M the "Tyrant"

Each day on my walk to school, I pass the shopkeepers set up on Diani Beach road in huts that sell various curios and knick-knacks to tourists. They sell items made in factories in Mombasa, according to Mzee Mungai, but of course they tell the tourists that they made the items.

M interacts with these folks significantly less than I do because he rides to work with Mzee in a car each day. So, after a few days of significant (though not dangerous, just annoying – hi mom) harassment, I devised a clever strategy to avoid having to purchase anything. The standard polite refusals were not working so one day I said “I can’t spend money without asking my husband.” Instant results.

Kenya is still an extremely patriarchal society. Despite the fact that girls are now being educated almost to the same level as boys, men still control almost everything in the average Kenyan household. People are thoroughly confused, for example, that I work and M is a student. For the people we’ve spoken to (including the teachers, doctors, church folk, Mzee Mungai, etc.) , this arrangement is bizarre to them and they don’t understand how M can “let this happen”. Right.

This explains why my response about needing M’s permission to spend money was so readily accepted. In fact, one of them approached him later that week to commend him on his excellent wife. The notion that M would ever be controlling about money is purely ridiculous even if I wasn’t the sole breadwinner right now but it’s totally accepted here as “the way it should be”.

I thought I was pretty clever but then I realized it actually works for both genders! I heard an Italian tourist say “well, this carving is very nice but my wife is in charge of decorating in our house so I can’t buy anything without asking her”. Genius. In Kenya, the home and domestic tasks are pretty much the sole responsibility of the woman. So, this response makes perfect sense to a Kenyan.

M also used this technique with great success when he was approached by one of the women who run beachside massage huts. He said he couldn’t “because his wife would be jealous”. The woman nodded knowingly and backed off though she did suggest that “he and mama could come back later for a couples massage”.

This is now our running joke that M is such a “tyrant” that I’m not allowed to do anything without his permission. In addition to the joke, I think it has demonstrated to us the importance of attempting to communicate in a way that Kenyans understand. Plus, it keeps me from having to explain for the 400th time why I don’t want or need a key chain or elephant carving.